Nilai Jual

Weekend kemarin aku ke Wageningen lagi. Main ke tempat mbak Vit. Ritual yang sama persis dengan saat tahun pertama kami di Belanda. Seperti biasa, kami ngobrolin banyak hal. Salah satunya adalah membahas kenalanku yang kebetulan duda dengan 3 anak. Istrinya baru saja meninggal dan dia memutuskan menikah lagi dengan janda beranak 5. What a surprising news mengingat istrinya baru beberapa bulan meninggal dan pilihannya jatuh pada janda beranak 5 yang masih kecil-kecil semua. Alasan menikah kilatnya adalah karena anak-anak perlu figur Ibu. 

Kami terus terang jadi mengerutkan kening, trus meringis (kalau ga bisa dibilang nyaris ngakak). It's really nonsense for us, alasannya itu lho.. Laki-laki waras pasti mikir untuk memilih menikah dengan status janda beranak banyak, masih kecil-kecil pula. 

Alasan paling gampangnya :

1. Berat diongkos. Ngasih makan ekstra 6 orang, dengan gaji bulanan (yang kalaupun si istri baru ini berkerja juga, kalau si istri baru ini bukan manager atau direktur utama dengan gaji berlebih) yang kalaupun ada kenaikan (dari tambahan gaji istri baru) belum tentu kenaikannya signifikan

2. alasan anak-anak perlu figur ibu agak naif kedengarannya ya.. Karena si istri baru pasti gimana-gimana juga tetap akan ngurusin ke 5 anak kandungnya dulu. 5 anak itu bukan sedikit. 1 anak aja udah menyita perhatian sehari penuh apalagi 5 + 3 anak

3. alasan si istri baru (dan wanita manapun) dalam memilih pasangan juga pasti karena melihat sisi ekonomi. Membantu meringankan beban perekonomian.. Anak 5 bo'.. Biayanya banyak. Belum makannya, belum pakaiannya, belum sekolahnya.. Ditanggung sendiri? Jaman sekarang? Ngeri..

So kami sepakat alasan terjujur kenalanku ini menikah kilat adalah : udah ga kuat bo'.... Ga bisa sendiri lama-lama. 

Semacam lelaki yang lemah :p

Laki-laki manapun dengan pendapatan normal (baca : bukan berlimpah) pasti mempertimbangkan bawaan anak ini masak-masak. 

Pertimbangan selanjutnya tetap sisi ekonomi, si perempuan ini terbilang mandiri atau tidak? Kalau dia mandiri, nilai jualnya lebih tinggi karena bisa membantu meringankan beban perekonomian keluarga. Bisa jadi ban serep kalau suami-nya kenapa-kenapa dengan pekerjaannya. Bisa buat nabung lebih banyak untuk keperluan keluarga di masa depan.

Selain pertimbangan lain seperti kepribadian, latar belakang keluarga, dan tentu saja : cinta.

Jaman sekarang, mana ada yang bisa hidup hanya dengan makan cinta?

Mbak Vit bilang, janda dengan banyak anak itu punya nilai jual rendah.. Nilai tawarnya rendah. Yang bisa dapetin cuma laki-laki ecek-ecek. Konsumen tingkat rendah. 

Sesama hopeless.

Whooooaaaa.. Menohok.

Lagian jaman susah begini kok ya mau-maunya punya banyak anak. Kok ga KB ya? Bukannya kudu mikir bahwa kita kudu mempertimbangkan kualitas hidup anak-anak? Di kitab suci juga dibilang bahwa kita wajib ngurusin anak sebaik mungkin, tanggungjawabnya ke Tuhan. Ga bisa a la kadarnya dengan alsan : Tuhan, mampu saya sekian.. Kalau aku jadi Tuhan pasti aku jawab : "Sudah tahu mampumu itu segitu kok masih mau nambah anak? Bukannya manusia diberi kelebihan akal pikiran untuk berfikir lebih dalam, mempertimbangkan semua hal baik dan buruk, beda dengan binatang lainnya?"

Membatasi kelahiran bukannya menolak rejeki Tuhan. Kalau aborsi, nah itu baru menolak rejeki Tuhan.

Narrow minded bin pethuk.

Coba dibandingkan dengan janda yang anaknya sedikit (maksimal 2), mapan (baca : bekerja dengan penghasilan cukup karena cuma ngurusin 2-3 orang) dengan kata lain ga bakal menambah beban bagi suami, malah bisa bahu membahu dengan pihak suami untuk menopang perekonomian keluarga. 

Dia punya nilai tawar jauh lebih tinggi, dan yang bisa dapetin juga bukan laki-laki ecek-ecek. 

Mereka terhitung lebih mapan, dan cenderung tough dan mandiri secara ekonomi. Efeknya adalah mereka punya kualitas hidup lebih dan dampak selanjutnya adalah mempengaruhi kebahagiaan hidup.

Wanita seperti itu pasti punya rentang kriteria yang jauh lebih luas dibanding si-janda anak 5 tadi. Paling ga, ga hopeless dari segi ekonomi. Ga ada pikiran : ambil aja deh mumpung ada yang mau juga.. Ga selalu ada lho laki-laki yang ikhlas ngasih makan ekstra 6 orang.. hehehehe.. 

Well, tapi itu tadi murni pendapatku dan mbak Vit. Orang lain bebas berpendapat berbeda. Terus terang kami  penasaran dan pengen tahu kelanjutan cerita kenalanku tadi. Benar apa ga dugaan kami bahwa si istri baru ini mau sama dia lebih karena desakan kebutuhan ekonomi, dan si kenalanku itu tadi mau nerima janda dengan 5 anak karena dia tipe laki-laki lembek yang ga bisa hidup tanpa wanita. (Bandingin dengan duda-duda lain yang tough jadi sosok ayah sekaligus ibu bagi putra-putrinya selama bertahun-tahun, bahkan sampai akhir hayatnya). Hanya waktu yang bisa membuktikan.

Kalau mengaca pada kasus di atas, aku merasa sangat bersyukur. Lebih bahagia. Lebih bebas & lepas. Bangga, pasti. Alhamdulillah semua terasa mudah untukku. Mungkin karena aku selalu bawa mudah? Mencari sisi positifnya dan menikmati setiap detiknya. Hidup di dunia cuma sekali, aku bertekad menikmatinya semaksimal mungkin.

One autumn day in Holland

Almost winter..  4-5 C degree during the day, freezing in the evening. Get some rest from writing, I was thinking about myself. Try to unhide everything, even the darkest side of mine. Only my very very best friend knows about it. I feel like having my feet stay on asian culture ground, and my head on this western clouds. Try to get the best from every part, make it balance.

So how can I coup with that narrow minded Asian-Islamic culture when I finally go back for good, I don't have any idea. Though possible, it is hard to just say : "it's my bussiness, not yours".. or "go to hell with all your thoughts".. I still do not understand, why Indonesian people love to take care of somebody else's problems, but not doing things right for their own. Or probably it's simply because they love to change other people's mind, so they will have the same thoughts, the same idea..

I am starring at my shirleys now.. and know exactly what other people I've known of (in Indonesia) will react on this.

So what? None of your bussiness..

And my amsterdamse salt and pepper, bake pan, magnets, cards.. just a drop of water in an endless sea.. 

Hopefully I will always have those bravery for not being a hypocrite.

Nilai kepantasan?

Suddenly came up with this question : How long should a man have to wait to marry again after the death of his wife?

I asked couple friends of mine, all men, about this, and they answered almost the same answer : around 3 years.

Except for the insecure one.. Looking for a new woman to replace his wife's place as soon as possible. 

He simply couldn't be able to live alone, or afraid of being alone, and then feeling lonely in spite of any reasons, which is in my opinion just means one word : weak.

I know a man like that. His wive just passed away six months later. Within two months after his wife's death, he's already looking for a new woman. He has some reasons for it, he said : because he's so shocked of his wife's sudden death, and he is a father of 3 children (16, 13 and 8 years old) so he needs someone to talk to, and to share the experience of suddenly being single parents.

Another reasons which is fortunately he didn't tell bluntly to me is : he's looking for someone for being a mother for his children because his children are need a mother figure..

I couldn't say that's nonsense, but I do couldn't believe on this second reason.

Do they really need a mother figure just after 2 months of their mother's death? If I were them, I would still be longing for MY mother, and no need someone else to replace her place. Her place is eternal.. it will be there for at least until next couple years, as MY mother, as MY father's wife. Of course everybody need a parent figure. But I believe everybody also need grieving moment. Could it be an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year, couple years.. it will be different for each person. But still, when it comes to death, I am considering for years.

Another man I know of, looked for a new girlfriend just 6 months after the deceased of his wife and his 5 years old son. He succeeded in finding one, a woman with a son, but he refused to now more about her son. This woman said, because it hurts him still, reminds him of his own son. 

What the ... ????

So he wants her, but not her son (yet). He could be able to dismissed the memory of his wife and replace her place with this new woman, but when it comes to his son.. big NO.

Is it merely about sex? or afraid of being alone? 

How can this man being so egoistic? wants something only for himself. Because he couldn't be alone, he needs a partner. But because he doesn't want to replace his son's place with a new son, he doesn't accept the partner's son.

If I were his partner, I don't want to be with him. I and my son is ONE package. Accept me and my son at the same moment. Not me first and later my son. Luckily, I'm not his partner.

Another friend of mine has different story. She has to accept that her husband is a jerk bastard f***ing guy who choose another woman instead of being a good husband and a good father for his family. They went to divorce. During this hard divorce moment, my best friend meet another friend of us who also facing the same problem. His wife left him for another man, years already, without him knowing it, even he now became suspicious whether he is the father of his youngest child.. My best friend and my friend became close each other by having lots of sharing and discussion about this painfully shit moment. Together they're build their strong and tried to reach their happy life back at foot. Finally now they're free from their bastard partner, but it doesn't mean that they're then become a couple right away, and married as soon as possible. They still have lots of things to think and to consider, not counting the trauma, you can say, puts an extra carefull decisions so that that shit moment won't ever happen again.. The wedding seems still far away to come true..

I myself being alone for more than 10 years now. I definitely realize that my son needs a father figure, but.. is that a primary need of him? I and my son don't think so. He could get the father figure from my brother, from his male teachers, from my tenants. And simply because he doesn't want somebody replacing his father place, yet. So I'm very easy in trying to look for a new partner in life.

When I finally found Rob, it's already 7 years from the years I became a widowed. He also waited for 3 years after his divorce before finally decided to look for a new partner and found me. He needs this 3 years as a grieving periode, and to coup on his trauma from his hard divorce. My son also feel comfortable around him, so I keep moving with this new relationship. And those 7 years are long enough to transform me into a tough woman, and more realistic when it comes to build a new romance. For me, marriage is not important anymore. The most important thing is, having a friend to talk to and to share your good and bad moments. Encouraging and supporting each other. And it doesn't have to be living together in one house.

Thinking about those weak men, I consider Rob as a tough man. He is a mother and a father for his two little children, for 7 years already since his divorce. I consider myself as a tough woman. But also because I received lots of helps from people around me, my family, my friends. They're love me. I never feel alone.

Career/Study vs Money

Seorang teman lama memposting statusnya di facebook semacam ini : 

"Program Pascasarjana Magister Ilmu Biologi Universitas xxxx (edited) mengundang Bapak/Ibu dosen Bio, mahasiswa undergraduate dan postgraduate dalam acara Kuliah Tamu Prof.Fred Davies. Hari Senin dan Selasa (19 dan 20 Nov 2012), jam 09.00-13.00. Tempat di Aula Pascasarjana xxxx (edited) Materi : - Publishing in International Journals (Senin 19 Nov) dan Commercial opportunities with plant propagation and biotechnology in horticulture and agriculture (Selasa 20 Nov). Bagi yang berminat.. silahkan hadir. Terimakasih..."

Dan ada comment seseorang seperti ini :  

"Ibu, apakah dikenakan biaya untuk menghadiri acara kuliah tamu-nya? hehe.. "

Sigh..

Mau dapat ilmunya, tapi ga mau rugi / keluar biaya untuk itu. Memangnya bisa ya?

Tapi memang masih seperti itu  kondisi di Indonesia, yang tingkat kesejahteraan masyarakatnya masih terbilang rendah dibanding tingkat kesejahteraan masyarakat di negara-negara maju. Dengan gaji yang didapat, kita masih harus hitung-hitungan dengan kebutuhan-kebutuhan lain yang lebih urgent : makanan, pakaian, rumah, kebutuhan anak, akibatnya biaya-biaya seperti bayar fee untuk menghadiri acara seminar pun menjadi kebutuhan tersier bahkan mungkin quartener. 

Aku ga bisa kasih komentar atau solusi kudu gimana caranya supaya bisa keluar dari masalah seperti ini. Too complicated. Aku sendiri mengalami, kudu keluar kocek dan tabungan pribadi buat hal-hal terkait karir dan studi. Aku melihat masih banyak anak-anak ga bisa sekolah atau ikut kursus di Primagama atau Neutron cuma karena orang tuanya ga mampu biayain kursus.. Aku cuma berharap aja suatu saat nanti negara ini bisa bangkit, menjadi negara yang lebih baik secara ekonomi dan yang lain-lain, dan masyarakatnya lebih sejahtera. Amin.